Working towards being a better me

A year ago I was in such a different place. I was bitter, angry, depressed, hopeless and suicidal. I remember how a year ago I was so upset that I would start sobbing uncontrollably and cut to replace my internal pain with an external one. I felt relief as I saw the blood ran down my leg, I felt relived by seeing a release of pain. I was in a funk that rubbed of on my relationships, people started distancing themselves from me which made me even more depressed. I wanted love, I wanted happiness, I wanted relief from myself. 

Despite my hopelessness and feeling like a failure at the time,  I went to al-anon meetings and therapy. I am so thankful for both, I don’t think I would be where I am without them. I have learned some important lessons that have helped my life each day with happiness. 

You have the power to determine how things affect you. Even though someone hurts you, it’s your choice to let it get to you. Instead, let it roll off your back. Remind yourself that only you have power over yourself and deserve respect and happiness.

When thoughts from the past creep up, and you get upset over mistakes your have made, tell yourself it is what it is. It doesn’t matter if it was your fault or theirs, you have the power not to let it happen again. Our past needs to stay there so that our future remains a fresh start and a chance to redeem ourselves.

Stand up for yourself. You know the truth, is it worth obsessing over the details? What do you have to prove? So many times I have gotten in verbal disagreements and felt the need to defend myself over and over again even when I was repeating myself because the other person was not acknowledging my point of view. Now I stop myself, breathe, and defend myself as simply as possible. If the person keeps festering over the details I remind them that I have said my part and heard their part and it isn’t worth it to keep fighting over it. 

When your confidence is low, remind yourself of at least one thing you like about yourself. Too often we obsess about qualities that don’t exist, we are just too caught up in our distorted views that we can’t see what the rest of the world does. 

Be comfortable being alone. Happiness and love starts with yourself. If you can’t find it in yourself you never will be able to truly feel it from another person, that is a different kind of love. I really struggle with this one, when I am alone with nothing to do I go to a negative place and make myself think that I am alone and nobody cares about me. I obsess over false negativity and think that I need to be with another person to feel good about myself. Instead I am working on keeping myself entertained and quieting negative thought and replacing them with happiness from my independence. 

You are your best cheerleader. It sounds silly but you need to give yourself credit for your achievements. Are you really a failure? No. Even if you are feeling depressed and under appreciated, feel pride from getting the courage to get out of bed and face the day. When my therapist introduced this “cheerleader” business I thought it was silly and would make me cocky. In reality you are just cocky if you do it in the wrong way to other people. You have a lot of things to proud of. Quick, think of a few. Okay, good. Do you feel any better? No, well stop it! Things are not as bad as you perceive them. 

Remember, YOU have the power to be happy. Do what brings your joy, distract yourself with things that make you feel better when you feel down, think of good qualities about yourself, think of loved ones. It has been a struggle but I am starting to feel happy again. I am not always confident but I redirect my thinking and try to move past it. 

I may have said this before…
I feel like a crazy Clark Kent who’s kryptonite is abandonment and relationships.

To the average person I am a loving, smart, funny, happy-go-lucky, optimist…
To my close friends I am the above in addition to being over emotional and obsessive…
But to my mom, psychologist, therapist, and self I am the above plus a sufferer of BPD with killer mood swings, a history of self mutilation, abuse, suicide attempts, hostility, bad relationships, addiction and so on.

It gets tough living the double life and putting on a happy face when all I want to do is go hide in bed. The positive change is that I am no longer suicidal because I realize I have things to live for.

I really hope that other people suffering from mental disorders are able to get the help they need and see a reason for living too.

Today my psychologist gave a me a new diagnosis of having bi-polar disorder. I don’t know why, but I feel really depressed by it; It may be because bi-polar people are generally people’s definition of a real “crazy” person. I hate having a mental disorder that I have to hide for fear of misjudgment, even though it’s the reason why my moods are all over the place.

In place of cutting, draw on yourself while squeezing an ice cube in the other hand.

Throw foam balls, rolled up socks, or pillows against the wall as hard as you can.

Go to your car and scream as loud as you can.

As strange as it sounds, I actually enjoy “hulking out” while doing the above.

There are a bunch of other ones involving stabbing images of the people you hate, but I can’t go there.

My therapist is always ten minutes late but I still get charged for a full session. Not. Cool.

People don’t realize how lonely it feels when you have borderline personality disorder, at any phase. It’s a struggle with yourself as you try and control your emotional roller. You hit a bump, and loose friends. As you keep going on your roller coaster, you desend down the track as you anger build and friends and peers run away scared. When the roller coaster is over, you sit and look around at the people who road a drastic mood swing and made it out alive. Those few, still by your side, are truly there for you as much as they can. The rest is up to you. Where do you go on with your life now that you are finally on a high point? Do you appreciate and love the ones who where there for you through it all? Or, do you go running after the big group of friends and peers who couldn’t handle your BPD and beg them to come back?

I let the big group go. Now I have a handful of girlfriends by my side to restore sanctity. I’m not quite sure of what their role is in my life yet. This is all so new. Instead I have to keep my thoughts in my head and try to come up with the right way to describe my roller coaster. Do I sugar coat? Am I super grateful? Do I give a medical definition of the disorder?

Or, do I explain that I am so fucked up that I freak out whenever my trust is broken or feel abandoned when people or things, trigger me? I try to gain control of it but every now and again the flood gates open and my problems slap my small support group in the face again?

I’m trying so hard to control my BPD but it is causing me to live in fear that I am going to break again And mess everything up. This is where my anxiety kicks in. So, to keep everything at bay, I isolate myself on the weekends and pass out on weeknights.

I just need someone to openly talk to about Borderline personality disorder. I need a friend in the know, who isn’t afraid. Sigh.

This time last year I had a shitty boyfriend, a shitty car, shitty friends, shitty apartment, shitty attitude, shitty phone, and ect. Throughout the year I shed A LOT of tears, did and said A LOT of shitty things but I am glad it all happened because it led new things to be thankful for.

Initially I wanted to write a whiny entry explaining all the bad shit that has happened, instead, here is a list of

VERY GOOD THINGS-2011 WRAP UP:

Broke up with an abusive ex

He was my first boyfriend, and we fell hard and fast for one another. I was so blinded by love that I failed to see how he was an alcoholic who constantly fought with me and made me refine my personality to make him happy. This July was my final straw when I thought I was pregnant and he told me I was a stupid cunt and had to get an abortion, among other horrible things. I initially broke up with him in January but found myself strung along until I officially ended it in July with no further communication.  

Got my health insurance back

January 1^st I got my insurance back and milked it for all it was worth. I scheduled all of my checkups and even was referred to Al-Anon by my doctor.

Started therapy

Therapy started off great but eventually I started to realize that my therapist wasn’t helping me make any progress. So, my drug therapist referred me to a DBT counselor and I couldn’t be happier with her. She has helped me realize who I am and why I react the way I do, and diagnosed me with BPD.

Shed myself of toxic friends

My emotions were so up and down because of the ongoing drama between my friends and me. At first I thought that it was my fault and beat myself up over the stupidest things and went groveling to these “friends” to try and make things better. After I started going to Al-Anon I realized that the relationships I was in were toxic. They were unhealthy and brought me down. As a solution I started cutting off ties. Looking back I realize this was an impulsive way to deal with my problems, I tried running away instead of dealing with them. There were plenty of times I felt lonely and regretted my decisions but eventually I realized how much happier I was without them. I finally started feeling happier and more like myself.

Bought a new car

After a little over a year of dealing with my lemon of a first car, I cut my losses and bought a new car over easter weekend. It was definitely an impulse purchase but it was something I needed and could afford, so I jumped. I am so in love with it and am grateful I no longer have to pop my keys out of the ignition with a tire gauge.

Upgraded to an Iphone

Verizon and I got into a lengthy argument and I ended up with an Iphone for my troubles. Although I still hate Verizon, I am happy with my free new phone.

Moved to a cute neighborhood in ‘Tosa

Every day I had to drive half an hour to get to work, now I am a couple of blocks away and living in a neighborhood with a small town feel.

Started school again

After a year and a half on leave I finally went back to school part time. I am so thankful my bosses were somewhat lenient to allow it.

Began thinking from an optimistic and open mind

When things were bad I let them manifest and grow into bigger problems than they needed to be. Now I am trying to think in a more positive way letting things go and accepting life for what it is.

This year hasn’t been great, but I am glad that it has happened; it opened up a lot of doors that are leading me to a new way of thinking and happiness. As I lost friends, I strengthened the relationships I had and started telling the people around me how much they meant to me more often. I may have less, but I feel like I have more.

Now please, tell me what are your VERY GOOD THINGS OF 2011? I would love to hear them.

P.s If you read this, thank you. Also, as I am posting this I am realizing how much stuff I have left out…oy.

I am learning the hard way that there a good reasons my therapist frowns upon dating right now. Being the naughty little bitch I am, I started seeing someone casually and got into him and he fell off the face of the earth. I just don’t understand why this keeps happening. It pisses me off when people can’t just be straight up and honest.

I can have platonic male friends. I can have platonic male friends. I can have platonic male friends.