Brooke. 23. Student. Nanny.
Cooking. Organization. Crafting.
Music Lover. Creative. Emotional. Hilarious. Smart Ass
but I am so lonely. People around me are having babies, getting married and buying houses, being all happy and stuff, then there is me. I always root for couples to get together and fall in love all while watching my dates blow up in my face. I don’t understand, I have my life together. I live on my own (in 2weeks), I have a car, I am told I have a great caring personality, I am great at being domestic, I have two jobs, I work hard, and care deer for the people in my life. It’s just hard not to feel like something is wrong with me. I swear I am a nice person but am pretty sure I am going to be bitter soon.
After years of frustration and depression, I was diagnosed with a “mental illness” known as borderline personality disorder. It was really hard for me to hear the diagnosis thanks to the negative associations with mental illnesses. Automatically, we all think of crazy people who walk around talking to themselves or don’t act like a same, controlled human. Ok, I guess I am crazy, but I don’t think I fit the normal image of the word. Instead, I am able to maintain an average life and fool acquaintances, but the people closest to me know that something has been off. I am moody, feel like I am not in control of my own emotions, have identity issues, and have trouble keeping relationships. The trouble with being diagnosed with BPD is that I can’t tell people that I have this mental illness due to fear of judgement and misunderstandings of how it affects me. However, I feel relief that I finally have an explanation as to why I am so fucked up and can get the correct help for my problems. I have been in therapy for a little less than a year but just started BPD specific therapy sessions. In the short amount of time I have seen my therapist, I already feel like I am making progress. Currently I am reading a couple books on the disorder and feel relief that I am not in this alone and have specific explanations for my behavior.
One of the big rules for my success is to not start relationships or date because it is a major trigger. Well, I thought I was in enough control of myself that I went on a date. Per usual, it through me off track and brought back the feelings and behavior I suppressed. Once again, I scared a guy off by being over dramatic, sharing too much, and not setting boundaries. So, instead of being jovial today I have been lying on the couch all day feeling ashamed of myself with nobody to blame but myself. Now I understand why my therapist set the “no dating” rule.
I just need to accept that it is what it is and to live in the present. I only have control over myself and my own emotions so I am the only one who can fix my problems, and that is okay.